Sept 14, 2013 will make the 1 year anniversary of when I got fired from Alaska Veterinary Clinic. I was not expecting it. It came out of nowhere. Over the next couple months, God dealt in my heart over a lot of issues. God brought to light into the deep parts of my heart. I battled with depression. I want to say I totally overcame it but I had a very hard fought spiritual war with depression. Every day I was bombarded with thoughts of loneliness, unworthiness, and lies of the devil about why would anyone hire you? You are worthless, no one cares about you, you have no experience, you can’t do anything right. I even at one point was having suicidal thoughts that scared me. Depression is not something that is easy to battle. Every time I had a thought it would lead me further down that track, further away from God speaking. Depression wants to separate but God wants unity and family. It seemed that no one could help me even though I wanted help. I wanted to run and hide from it all I really felt like I was in a pit I could not get out.
I dealt with the shame associated with being fired. I was mad and hurt by AK Vet. I made a promise with God that I was not going to bad-mouth them to anyone. I wanted to let God work in my feelings to the general public. I could not talk about them or even drive around that part of town without something boiling up inside of me. It took several months for me in prayer to work out all my emotions. I finally felt God calling me to make peace and forgive them. To ask for forgiveness for any sins I did so that I could be released and move on. I did not want to at first. I wanted to stay mad at them and degrade their business. I wanted to speak death over their business. God showed me that I was actually hurting myself by holding that anger towards them; I was acting out of hurt. I had to let the anger go so God could heal the wounds. I finally wrote out the prayer in Number 6:24-26. I spoke that over the business and prayed against gossip and discord. I prayed for prosperity, unity, and love for them.
I am not going to say I never doubted nor wanted to give up. Because I did. I didn’t understand why God would let this happen to me in this time of my life. Why would He lead me up to AK just to have my world fall apart? I didn’t know what to do or even how to start picking up the pieces of my shattered life. My dad gave me some wise words that I refuse to let go of. He told me, “What you do in response to crisis is more important than resolution of the crisis.” I wanted my crisis to be resolute so I could move on and go back to “normal.” I did not want to deal with it. But looking back, I won’t claim I fully understand but I can see that God wanted to deal with the depression, doubts, and the control I had in my life. It was not easy to trust and it was a struggle, a hard struggle. But, I made a decision to trust. By hat proclamation, I was able to begin to stir up my spiritual gifting and tune my ears to hear him. But also by my proclamation the devil beat me with everything he had. God started to bring me visions and words He reminded of the armor of God. He spoke to me about the helmet of salvation-how we need to take captive our thoughts and line them up to His word (we have the mind of Christ). The breast plate of righteous-how he has called us to righteous. The shoes of peace-how we care to stand in peace even in the most horrible times he has given us peace. That we stand on his promises and provision in peace even in those times. He reminded me that he had promised in His word the He would take care of his kids. The shield of faith-Used to protect our head and heart from the lies/ the thoughts the enemy ties to send our way. The sword of the Spirit-the offense weapon.
During these months God gave me several visions. It took a lot of prayer and time for me to put them all together. A few days after I got fired God gave me a dream. In that dream, He told me He was sending me blessings but I had more hardships to endeavor before then. The next one He reminded me of a prophecy spoken over me when I was in youth group back in GA. This word was about a map. Paths were marked out on the map. The meaning of this was that God has everything planned out in my life. Another vision I received was of an old lantern. A type old lantern that only gives off very small amount of light so that it only shows one’s next step. I could not understand what God was trying to tell me with these visions. It seems so clear now, but it was hard to hear clearly and decipher what was God, the devil, or me (my flesh).
Also during these months my grandmother was very ill. I could not be there with my family. She did pass away on March 4. My parents also put my childhood home for sale. The house I spent 22years of my life in up for sale. I had to deal with the emotions of these situations along with all the other things I was dealing with. I was kinda of a wreck during this time.
In the first month, God reminded me of Joseph and David- how they had to wait on the Lord. I struggled how I actively wait on the Lord so that I am ready when He says “go.” I also thought about Isaac and his perceptive of being on the altar. How he had to trust and have faith. He had to give up control and just trust. God dealt with the issue of control with me. He wanted me to relinquish control of my life and hand it over to him. That was hard. Really hard. So, for 9 long months I waited. I read (am still reading) through Psalms and listened to David’s highs and lows. I found comfort in the fact that David the man described as a man after God’s heart sometimes had a hard time hearing God. During the month of March, I took a step back and re-focused my attention on God. During this month, I heard several words from the Lord. These words were to prepare me. I was not sure what I was exactly preparing for, but I was to get ready.
On April 23, I had an interview at Highland Animal Clinic. I had applied at this clinic once about 2 years ago when I was trying to leave my job at Pet Emergency Treatment. I remembered a little bit about the clinic. I think that impressed the doctor who was doing the interview. When I left that building and got in my car, the devil just full force attacked me. It is hard to describe the attack because it happened in my head. It was not pretty to put it mildly. I wanted that job so badly. I felt like if I didn’t get the job that this closed door was going to be the last straw. I could not take one more rejection. I did not hear back for a week. I was called back and asked to come in for a working interview on May 6. I was very nervous. I prayed earnestly for peace. I don’t remember much of the working interview. So, I went home. I did not hear back yes or no for a whole month. Yes, four more long weeks. I think those were the worse four weeks of all. The more I waited the more I felt an expectation of something was going to happen but I did not know what. I was called June 5. I was offered the position. I kept my cool on the phone, as we worked out a few details. I hung out and stared at my phone. I could not believe what had happened. I WAS FINALLY EMPLOYED! I sat down and cried because I could not attain myself. I was overwhelmed (kinda in shock). God had provided.-His promise had been fulfilled in His timing. I got my first paycheck the day after my b-day. I absolutely love my job. It is the perfect fit for me. I love the people I work with, my schedule, the environment, etc. After working there a few weeks, I got a few stories of the hiring process from their end. The head tech wanted to hire me the day of the first interview. The main doctor said wait-But I know it was actually God saying wait. It was not the precise time yet. When it was payday, I had a copy of my paycheck made. I framed it. It hangs on my wall as a testament. When God promises, no matter how long it is ALWAYS fulfilled.