Honestly....

Something keeps eating at me for the last little while, but I was not sure if it was due to the fact that I have been kinda depressed. The thing is that I miss day practice. I feel like I am not happy at my job nor is there any job behind working. I miss routine and regular work hours. I am tired all the time. My sleep cycles have been totally screwed up. I have not been able to go out to any church meeting or outings because i am either working or too tired to go out. And not having a car does not help that situation. But I have kinda started in the middle of the situation. There is this doctor at the clinic Dr. A(names left out). She graduated veterinary school last year. She is high instensive and high maintenance. By her own words, she is type A personality. She gets stressed very easily when it gets busy. When she gets stressed, she takes it out by cursing, yelling, and screaming, at anyone near her. I have gotten my fair share of tongue lashings from her and so has everyone else. She keeps telling me that I am not doing things fast enough even though I am going as fast as I can. She can be cold, snappy, and gnarky at times. A few nights ago, during an laceration repair, I asked her if I could turn down the anesthesia gas level because the patients heart rate was decreasing. She snapped back that I was in charge of anesthesia, and in not so any words to leaver her alone and not ask questions.  On monday night, I was prepping for another laceration repair, we were discussing which suture material she wanted to use. The size she wanted to use we were out of so she asked for the size smaller and the size larger. During the surgery, she asked for the size that we were out of, I reminded her that we were out of that size and that we had the size smaller and larger. She huffed, sighed, and barked which one she wanted. She always complaining about something. She goes on raids at least once every time she works. She complains when the clinic is too slow, too busy, if we are out of anything, or anything else she can think of. I hate working with her. I always look on the schedule and see how many times I will be working with her. I dread working with her. I get to work stressed out and I wish for time to go by faster so I can be done working with her. There is two doctors I love working with. They have been out of vet school 10+ years. They get stressed and frazzled, but they don't take their stress out on us.
On Monday night, I had a " update on how I am doing" talk with the head tech. She said that "my technical skills are not where the need to be" Since it is an emergency clinic, things that I could learn over my first year out of tech school. I have to have down within 3-6 months of employment there. This is about the 2-3 time she has told me this. I think I have improved, and I asked her that if she thinks I hav improved and she said only a little. So, thought about what she said while I was at work monday and what has been eating me. I don't know if I was made for emergency clinic. I know that I never wanted to work at emergency clinic. Not only do I have to deal with emergency situations, high instensive patients, stressed owners/clients, but also aout 5 different doctors and what they want and like. So there is no consistency. I like consistency and routine. I don't know if there is some kind of reason that is causing me not to get to the point that the head tech wants me at. Or if God is trying to tell me that my time at this clinic is up and that I should look for another job. I have great respect for the head tech. She has been working in this field for a long time and has great patience with training new techs like me. I don't want it to seem like I am giving up nor do I want her to give up on me. But she can be scattered brained and weird sometimes. And even though she has a husband and kids, it seems like her own life is her work. I like to have a social life outside of work. I don't want work to be my whole life like it has been for the past few months. I don't want my job to define me. I am really stressed out about this. I don't know if I should like the head tech know what I am thinking. When I agreed to the job, I agreed to work up to 1 year. I have been thinking that I would stick it out at this clinic for a year and then look somewhere else. I have only been out of school 5 months and have been employed there 4 months. I know I am inexperienced and I am unsure if another clinic would hire me due to the fact of my inexperience. I know have to have a job. But i also know that God knows where I am suppose to be. I am praying that He will tell me what He wants me to do and that the right door will open. I know God has moved me to AK for a reason, and I don't want to make another BIG move AGAIN. I am updating my resume. There is a day pracitice about two blocks away that I have been wanting to check out ever since I saw it was there. I know my first 7 months of CO were very similiar, but once I found the right church and friends to connect with everything worked out. I am just stressed. I know God will take care of me, but I am not sure what to do.
Hopefully, my next post will be more positive