Ok, so I know some of ya'll know what I am going to talk about, but just indulge me so I can share my complete story. I have kept some information from most of you guys for the last four weeks. I was let go from my job as a technician at Alaska Veterinary Clinic on Sept. 14 the day I went back to work after my toe procedure. I have been unemployed since that day. I came home that day and laid in my bed and cried. I cried so much I dehydrated myself. I was humiliated and embrassed. I felt like less than a person. This was the first time that this had ever happened to me since I started working when I was about 17. I told everyone I wanted to told when it happened, I just could tell anyone else. I didnt want people to look at me in the way I felt about myself. I couldnt figure out why God would allow this to happen in my life. I started questioning God and questioning all my life choices up to this point in my life. In the next few days that followed, I signed up at the Unemployment Office and I started looking for job. I was going through terrible spiritual battle and I am still battling with some of these issues. I felt like David, I was yelling and crying out to God for answers and guidance. My prayer lately has been, "God you parted the sea, moved mountations, and made a way where there was no way. You have got to make a way for me." I found it hard to trust in the Lord when I couldn't understand why? I also felt like Joseph, who he would had several years of suffering in slavery and prison. And yet, he trusted God. I was being bombarded by all kinds of lies from the Devil in the form of thoughts. I felt all alone, stupid, and humiliated. Everyone that I told, told me if there was anything let could do to help me. I was upset because I could not tell them anything and that made me more upset. I felt like I was living in a deep pit. I could hear all their support, but I still felt alone. I have admitted that I have dealt with depression before. I could feel it lingering in me. I was living hour by hour. I am still dealing with being angry and hurt by my coworkers/office. I could not look at my scrubs or drive around that part of town without crying. I was told I was let go because I was not fitting into the office and that I needed to look for a slower pace clinic. I do know that there was more to it that what was actually said. I know that there was some personality clashes between me and my coworkers. The boss said that she really liked me, but I still had to go. So I wanted to be angry, but I knew that should not feel angry. I am also trying not to speak negatively, bash them publicly in anyway, or gossip about any of the people at the clinic. Thats hard. In the first few days afterwordsof that day, I felt like God was telling me to "WAIT" but that was all I was getting. In the next week, I was struggling to figure out what God was telling me and what he wanted me to do. I like plan and organized. This was not the plan I had for my life. He brought to my memory the classes that I loved in college and tech school. I loved anatomy and microbiology classes. God brought in my mind doing laboratory work. Even thinking on that stirred up a passion for working that had been lacking in the last few months. In the last couple days God has been working on my heart on a couple issues, the first is that I had always felt like I was living a temporary life, I was always thinking that I was just in temporary position. I was always working for the future to achieve some "goal" that I thought I needed to reach to check them off my list. I was in school and working to graduate to find a job. I moved into our apartment thinking that I would find a new place once the lease was up. Once, I checked off the items in my list then, I would have my life together and everything would be great. Second which kinda connected is to be grateful and content in where I am in life. To thank God for having a place to live, a bed to sleep on, food in the frig, etc. To not dwell on looking on the future as a goal to achieve but to dwell and be present in the "there and now." I have had quite a spiritual battle these last few weeks. God did remind me of a vision I had years ago and a prophecy that was spoken over me. The vision was one I had when I was a younger, I dont remember how old, but I was sleeping on the floor of my parents room. I was so scared and terrified(I battle with a fear of darkness/unknown for years-but thats a completely separate topic) one night. Even at the foot of my parents own bed, I was trembling in fear of the darkness surrounding our house. I started praying silently. In my minds eye, I saw two arms wrapping around me and rocking me, and God singing and saying "my Child" over me. After that vision, I was able to sleep. God has been reminding me of that vision, of me wrapped in His arms. The prophecy spoken over me was when I was in youth group, it was a vision of a old map, like a pirate map very well worn. It could roll up like a scroll so it can be carried. On the map there was on "X" like "X" marks the spot and very clear path with directions and guidelines on it to reach the "X." I have been asking God what this means for me now, but I have not heard actual answer. But, I feel like God has given me an idea of a new kinda direction for my life. I plan on going back to school to get a certification for laboratory technician. I have talked to some people at the school here and I know what I need to do to pursue getting enroll there. In the middle of dealing with all of these, I was informed of some family issues going on back home.
Currently on the monetary stand point, I have about one more month that I can pay all my bills and rent. I spoke with a representative at the unemployment office on the phone this (wednesday) afternoon, and she was not really helpful. She did say that there is a 6 week period that is a disqualification period while paperwork is put together(even though I got letter in the mail to tell me how much I am qualified for) and then another week after that. I pressed her to tell me when this 6 week period would be lifted so that I could receive my unemployment benefits. She told be it would be either this saturday or next saturday. She told me to continue to file my biweekly claims that way, hopefully I can be paid retrospectively for all the weeks I was not paid. So, it will be the middle of next month before hopefully, I get any help from the government.
I am OK right now. I am trying to have faith and trust God. Every hour is a struggle to not worry or stress, but to be calm and trust God.
